What Happened—Hillary Rodham Clinton

The truth is, everyone's flawed. That's the nature of human beings. But our mistakes alone shouldn't define us. We should be judged by the totality of our work and life. Many problems don't have either/or answers, and a good decision today may not look as good ten or twenty years later through the lens of new conditions. When you're in politics, that gets more complicated. We all want—and the political press demands—a "story line," which tends to cast people as either saints or sinners. You're either revered or reviled. And there's no juicier political story than the saint who gets unmasked as a sinner. A two-dimensional cartoon is easier to digest than a fully formed person. (46)

I'm not going to lie, I spent much of this book crying. (I specifically read it only at home because I've already hit my quota of ugly crying in public this year.) The tears came not only in thinking about our current situation, and how exponentially, infinitely, astronomically better we would be doing if she had won. The tears came in reading about how disappointed she was in herself for letting so many people down, a feeling I think a lot of women can relate to, even those of us whom have never campaigned for President. The tears came in reading about what her experiences have been like as a woman in what is overwhelmingly a man's world, and the impossible balance that women are expected to strike, especially in politics. The tears came in reading and truly feeling how much she cares about people and genuinely wants to make their lives better. ("I did not want to be President because I want power for power's sake. I wanted power to do what I could to help solve problems and prepare the country for the future.") They came in hearing how hurt she was that some people just didn't like her, which would be a devastating thing to anyone, and I can't even imagine how that would impact a person knowing they're disliked on such a large scale.

But there was also a lot of laughter. In this book, she is candid, and funny, and sarcastic, and irreverent, and honest, and vulnerable in a way that I think a very small fraction of people (probably just those closest to her) have experienced from her before. The book is an anthem for women—in my personal opinion, for ALL women, even if you don't agree with her politically. She exemplifies in many ways the many directions that women feel pulled in, even when they're not in politics: "In my experience, the balancing act women in politics have to master is challenging at every level, but it gets worse the higher you rise. If we're too tough, we're unlikable. If we're too soft, we're not cut out for the big leagues. If we work too hard, we're neglecting our families. If we put family first, we're not serious about the work. If we have a career but no children, there's something wrong with us, and vice versa. If we want to compete for a higher office, we're too ambitious. Can't we just be happy with what we have? Can't we leave the higher rungs on the ladder for men?" I don't know any women to whom that doesn't feel present, relatable, and exasperating.

Let's just get this out of the way right up front: if what you've heard about this book is that Hillary just spends the entire time blaming other people and never taking responsibility, you're hearing from someone who either hasn't read the book, or has debilitating reading comprehension issues. In fact, I tracked times where she literally blames herself. I counted 12 times where she explicitly says events were her fault. (I have the receipts and page numbers on those, if anyone doubts me.) That doesn't include at least as many where she subtly indicates that she's responsible or feels like she has let people down. Like the intelligent person she is, she also predicted that this accusation would be lobbed at her, and she even addresses it in the book. ("Many in the political media don't want to hear about how these things tipped the election in the final days. They say their beef is that I'm not taking responsibility for my mistakes—but I have, and I do again throughout this book.") Which is not to say that she never expresses that they were other factors that influenced the outcome of the election beyond her choices, because she does.

Although many have also talked about how quickly she was able to pull something together, and even those who supported her think they might have to read the book because it's just "too soon," I don't think that there could have been a better time. Best to get it all out while everything is fresh. It was exactly what I needed, and I'll probably come back to it several times in the near future. (I flagged A LOT of pages.)

Anyway, not only does Hillary have a fresh take because she was IN the race, she's also uniquely suited to analyze the election (any election) as one of the most competent, capable, brilliant, and well-rounded political minds in our nation's history. She addresses how this election was completely unprecedented. She was trying to run a campaign the way that campaigns have traditionally been run; she was trying to discuss issues and present her policy initiatives; and she was confronted from every angle with a bloviating buffoon, who got into politics on a whim. (The topic of sexism is a much bigger topic, but if the fact that one of the most prepared and qualified candidates we've ever had, if not THE most, loses to a corrupt glorified landlord who's made a career from Daddy's money, there's definitely some gender discrimination factor involved.)

In a number of different ways, she talks about how hurtful it was to hear and know that there are some people who just didn't like her. To hear that she needed to take steps to "humanize" herself, when she is, after all, a human. How it's easy to turn someone into a caricature, a two-dimensional villain, than it is to imagine them as a nuanced and complex and multitudinous person. Some of the people who "just didn't like her" were basing those feelings off of completely, verifiably false beliefs that they either chose not to interrogate, or knew were false and still felt something was "off" about her. Some of those people were basing those feelings off of scandals that Hillary got pulled into. And some of those people were basing those feelings, consciously or unconsciously, on the fact that Hillary is a woman.

The laying out of ways in which the things she is derided for are things that male politicians are celebrated for was heartbreaking and infuriating. And, of course, it's not just her. It's all female politicians who have to deal with shit like that. (And, let's be real, women in all industries.) But perhaps none more so than her. Even right down to being told that "she lost the election, so she should shut up and go away" and that she shouldn't be recapping the election after it happened, when male politicians who had lost in past years had been specifically asked for their takes on how and why they lost.

This is exemplified perfectly in the events of the past few days. As more information has been coming out about Harvey Weinstein, his abusive and predatory ways have somehow turned into something that is Hillary's fault. For example, here's an actual CNN front page. And of course, when she did respond, she's blamed for not responding quickly enough. Newsflash: Hillary is not responsible for Weinstein's actions. Weinstein is. Moreover, Hillary is not responsible for every man that she's ever met. She doesn't exist in relation to men, she exists as a person all on her own. Which additionally just goes to show that if it hadn't been her emails, it would've been something else that was used to hinder her and hold her down.

Moving on...One facet of her life that I really knew nothing about was her faith, which seems to have had a large impact on her desire and passion for public service. For me, it feels like she is more interested in living the teachings of Christ than many "Christians" I know. I had heard about her daily emails from her pastor, but I don't think it's something that I have heard her talk about as strongly or openly as she did in this book. I understand: if she'd been more vocal about it during the election, she would have been accused of using her religion as a prop, even though she was raised in her Methodist faith.

She talks pretty frankly about her relationship with Bill—while still drawing a line because honestly it's really none of our business, certainly not at this point. They're both very aware of the things that people think about them, and about their relationship. I'm not in it. And guess what? Nobody is, except for them. I've learned to do my best not to judge people's relationships and the choices that they make from the outside, because you can never know what it is like to be on the inside. But the way that she talks about how supportive of her he has been, how he has been her biggest cheerleader, how they are true partners and she has never felt anything less than his equal—all of that, ESPECIALLY in the face of the boy's club that is politics, I can understand it. 

She said in the book: "I know some people wonder why we're still together. I heard it again in the 2016 campaign: that "we must have an arrangement" (we do, it's called a marriage); that I helped him become President and then stayed so he could help me become President (no); that we lead completely separate lives, and it's just a marriage on paper now (he is reading this over my shoulder in our kitchen with our dogs underfoot......He has been my partner in life and my greatest champion since the moment we met. He never once asked me to put my career on hold for his. He never once suggested that maybe I shouldn't compete for anything—in work or politics—because it would interfere with his life or ambitions. There were stretches of time in which my husband's job was unquestionably more important than mine, and he still didn't play that car. I have never felt like anything but an equal. "

The book was difficult for reasons other than dehydration from crying. It made me have to intensely examine my actions during the 2016 election, and the events before it. As critical as Hillary rightly is of Bernie in the book, I voted for him in the primary. I did what I think many people did for the actual election, which was assume that Hillary was going to win. So, I thought, I could vote for the radical, the intensely progressive candidate. There are many ways in which I do not agree with Hillary's point of view on things. I wish she weren't so war hawk-ish. I wish that she were more progressive, and more cognizant and acknowledging of her privilege. And I thought that, she was going to win the primary anyway, I could vote for Bernie and hopefully send a message.

Hillary explains how she couldn't compete with Bernie on the field because he was ALWAYS going to outflank her and come up with something more progressive than what she would propose. And the reason for that is that he's a big thinker and talker, but doesn't necessarily have the follow through. So instead of getting to actually outline her plans for certain policy issues, she had to address impossible "plans" from Bernie. As someone who is also a logistical thinker, who likes to have answers to problems, and consider repercussions, I got second-hand rage thinking about having someone come in front of your thought out, reasoned presentations with pie-in-the-sky ideas, which OF COURSE are going to be more appealing to people. And I was totally sucked into that during the primary, much to my own chagrin. (I still think there are really amazing things about Bernie, but he wasn't really prepared in any real way to be the leader of our nation. Then again, neither is Trump, so...) And while Hillary expresses how that was a frustrating situation, she also thanks and applauds Bernie in near equal measure for his outspokenness and his vision.

One of the most important things that she discusses is near the very end of the book. There have been a lot of think pieces written since the election about how Democrats and those on the Left can better understand those on the right, and get them to come "to the Dark Side," so to speak. She says this: "I have no tolerance for intolerance. None. Bullying disgusts me. I look at the people at Trump's rallies, cheering for his hateful rants, and I wonder: Where's their empathy and understanding? Why are they allowed to close their hearts to the striving immigrant father and the grieving black mother, or the LGBT teenager who's bullied at school and thinking of suicide? Why doesn't the press write think pieces about Trump voters trying to understand why most Americans rejected their candidate? Why is the burden of opening our hearts only on half the country?" These are questions I've been seeing asked more and more, and they're probably the questions I am most going to actively take with me from this. Why do WE have to try to understand the intolerant ones? Get on OUR level.

Last but not least, I just wanted to express my gratitude for HRC. As much as she stood on the shoulders of those who came before, she's supporting an abundance of women who will have an easier go at it, or better strategies for coping with the bullshit, or a better support system, because Hillary forged the way. She's not perfect, as none of us are. She's a human person. She cares about other humans, and wants to help make life better and more equitable. She's dedicated her entire LIFE to public service; in my opinion, she has done that not in pursuit of power (power, after all, is ephemeral and worldly), but in pursuit of resources to be of greater service (service that has the potential for eternal impact). And we could all learn something from that.