Adventurers Wanted: Slathbog's Gold—M.L. Forman

"Your pledge is fulfilled, and your honor is enlarged." (359)

Time for another installment of "I did not like that book"! This one is Adventurers Wanted: Slathbog's Gold by M.L. Forman. A fifteen-year-old Alex Taylor sees an ad in a window for an adventurer. Weirdly, he seems to be the only one who sees it. Looking for a change, but not really expecting anything too grand, Alex is in for a surprise. Upon entering the store, Alex is signed on as the eighth and final member of a team of adventurers seeking the immense treasure of Slathbog the Red, a notoriously bloodthirsty and greedy dragon. He enters a land where adventuring is common, where mythical creatures are everywhere, and where he thrives.

I got this book a few years ago at a Scholastic Warehouse sale. (Side note: If you don't know what a Scholastic Warehouse sale is, here's the rundown. Every quarter or so, Scholastic—that place that had the bookfairs at your school when you were a kid—attempt to purge their leftover stock by having a huge warehouse sale. Most things are 50% off, though more popular things are usually closer to 25% off. AND if you volunteer during the warehouse sale, they give you $10 worth of book credit for every hour you work. It's pretty awesome, and they actually have some good books in addition to these ones that are less so. Click here to find out more about the Warehouse Sales, and find one near you.) To be honest, it's been sitting on my shelf for at least two years, and I probably didn't read the synopsis when I bought it but instead judged the book by its cover. To be fair, I love the cover art for the rest of the books in this series too. I can't speak to the content, because I don't imagine I'll ever continue in the series. Anyway, all that to say, I don't feel too bad about not having loved this book because I only paid $4 or nothing for it, depending on whether or not I volunteered that season.

If you're looking for a young adult adventure book, with absolutely no other qualifications, and you don't mind that it's not too inventive or new, then this is an adequate book for that.

However, if you're a tad more discerning, as I am, here are some of my beefs with this book:


IT'S SO CLEARLY TRYING TO BE THE HOBBIT/LORD OF THE RINGS

Don't get me wrong, I love The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings. I love Tolkien. I love the movies, even though not everybody thought The Hobbit movies were great, I don't even care. There is so much worldbuilding that goes into Tolkien's stories, there is so much thought and development, and we actually care about the characters.

This felt like a really cheap rip off, and honestly fell short in a lot of areas where Tolkien's books shine.

One thing that shows this deficiency is that there is never any actual danger. As I'll mention later, Alex always seems to know that everything is going to work out fine. The one point where they think potentially one of their group is going to die is not that suspenseful, because Alex "somehow" knows it's all going to work out. This is something that other fantasy/YA books do well—if it never feels like there's an actual threat, especially with such heightened stakes, I essentially have no reason to care about these characters. In The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings, the threat of danger is real, and in fact members of the group are lost. Because that's a reality of life. People die. People get left behind. This is also a strength of something like the Harry Potter series. Imagine how much less impactful the series would have been if EVERYONE had somehow survived. Not only less impactful, but just really boring.

Another is that we spend this whole journey waiting for them to confront Slathbog the dragon—partially because, you know, that's the title of the book—and then the whole battle is over within about two pages. SO. BORING.


A DISTINCT LACK OF CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT ON ALL FRONTS

This is true not least in reference to our protagonist, Alex Taylor. Alex, who joins a group of seven other adventurers, is so much of a Gary Stu, it's boring as fuck. He's a wizard AND a warrior, because of course he is, even though that's basically unheard of int he land where they're adventuring. Then when he starts getting into magic, he's basically amazing at it, obvs. He essentially saves the day anytime there is a day that needs saving, even though the other members of his party have decades if not centuries more experience adventuring and getting out of jams. He insists on them splitting the treasures from these jams he saves them from evenly, even though that's not how it works with adventuring, and instead of it seeming like actual humility or wanting to share with his fellows, it just seems super annoying and humblebraggy. They are sent on a side quest by the Oracle, who wants them to find this crystal amongst the dragon's hoard. They can't find it and can't find it, and then Alex just wants it REALLY BAD and it just appears in front of him. We also find out at the end that *SPOILER ALERT* Alex is not actually human at all but some kind of human/elf/dwarf hybrid thing? Because, once again, of course he is.

Alex also seems to be omniscient among other things, because he always "somehow" knows that everyone is going to be alright, or "somehow" knows that he'll return someday to see new friends. It's just a super lazy way of the author foreshadowing for the audience what will be happening in future books in the series. Get out.

Beyond that, we get almost no development of any of the other main seven characters. I don't know anything about their past, I don't know much about their present, I have no reason to care about them. There's something to be said for allowing some growth across a series, but you have to start somewhere. And if you don't give me enough information in the first book to want to read the other ones, then you've saved all of your future character development for later books in vain.


CLUNKY DIALOGUE

Although Alex was a modern 15-year-old kid, he had the vocabulary and cadence of a medieval knight. Like what? 

There were also just weird moments, exemplified with dialogue. Check out the vlog for a prime example of this between Alex and Arconn after Alex has discovered his destiny as the best/only wizard/warrior of all time.


MISCELLANEOUS COMPLAINTS

Another, rather small issue in comparison to those other overarching things was a particular, albeit small, plot point. One of their company, Tayo, is injured and they're not sure if he's going to survive (although they sort of are because Alex "somehow" knows that he's going to be fine. But in the meantime, another of their company Andy basically comes whining to Alex about how his family owes Tayo's family a debt of honor.

"My family owes Tayo a debt of honor," [Andy] said softly. "Long ago he saved my father's life, and we have not been able to repay him.""Tayo is the honor holder, and you fear he will die before you can repay him," said Alex, feeling Andy's sorrow."It is more than that," said Andy, his eyes remaining on Tayo. "If the debt is not repaid, my family will lose honor forever. A black mark will be placed against us in the records of our land." (323-324)
First of all, that's a great example of how modern 15-year-olds do NOT talk.

Second of all, THEY THINK THEIR FRIEND IS DYING AND ALL ANDY CAN THINK ABOUT IS THAT HE MIGHT HAVE A BLACK MARK ON HIS FAMILY'S HONOR? That's cold, man. And not exactly in the spirit of camaraderie and adventuring. That seemed really shitty.

Also, and I don't want to be the PC police, but can we just be done associating goodness or evil with certain colours? The Oracle is known as The Oracle in the White Tower, and of course she's super wise and virginal and pure. Couldn't she just be The Oracle? Or The Oracle in the Tower of Enlightenment? Ugh.

For more of my thoughts, check out this vlog.




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